Standing Tall, The Tree of Fall

When Life starts to throw hands, you can't help but freeze up. You feel isolated in your own little bubble, a place filled with IV poles and beeping that can be heard from miles away. Living as a person with chronic illness isn't easy, and when Life starts arguing and throwing rocks at your head, of course you run and hide from the things that pain you.

Through the pain, the procedures, and the body that no longer feels like yours, you make a promise to yourself. To move forward with life, you must accept that this is your reality. You hold your lucky pencil, and you whisper. You don't know who will hear, or what, but you'd like to think something or someone is listening.

"Dear... Whomever. Myself, I suppose. Please grant me the ability to understand. This quicksand I lay on is enveloping me, and I'm not ready to sink. Please hold my hand and amplify my voice, please listen and listen close. I accept what I do not understand. I accept my body and this terrible sand. I accept and I wish I could change what I cannot, but at the very least, I do accept."

So you've learned to accept what you cannot control, but how do you learn to live with it? For me, it started small. Little moments in my day that I chose not to take for granted. I planted my feet on the ground, and from there I sprouted roots. Foundations that nested me in the dark soil and allowed for me to grow a trunk. That's where my heart lives, with all the strange feelings it gives me, both physically and mentally. I learned to wrap my heart around the right things, holding them close and pushing the others far far away. Cutting ties, building branches.

My branches are my connections, the people who support me through it all. Through thick and thin, through healthy and sick. I reach out to them in times of need, just as their branches reach out for me. Together, we almost touch, but not quite. We will never know what it's like to be inside each other's trunks, but we can still hear each other laughing from inside the bark.

The leaves are the little joys in life, the things that make life worth living. Maybe it's the coffee you drink in the morning, on the sun shining on you during your morning walk. And just like leaves, you let them fall. The ones that no longer serve you rest on the floor now, you do not have to be grateful for them. You can move on, to new leaves. To new adventures.

All together you make a tree. A strong, beautiful, courageous tree. When you feel stuck, as all trees do, just remember... Go back to your roots.